Nothing is grey or gradual. For borderlines, things are black and white. They have the quintessential Jekyll and Hyde personality. Fluctuating dramatically between idealizing and devaluing you, they may suddenly and sporadically shift throughout the day. You never know what or whom to expect. They can be vindictive and punish you with words, silence, or other tactics, which feel manipulative and can be very destructive to your self-esteem. What you see is their norm. For them, trust is always an issue, often leading to distortions of reality and paranoia.
In their desperation for caring, they can behave in ways that feel like emotional manipulation. They react to their profound fears of abandonment with needy and clingy behavior or anger and fury that reflect their own skewed reality and self-image. In a close relationship, they must walk a tightrope to balance the fear of being alone or of being too close.
To do so, they try to control with commands or indirect maneuvers, including flattery and seduction, to reel in their partner and use their anger and use rejection to keep him or her at a safe distance.
Whereas narcissists enjoy being understood, too much understanding frightens the borderline. Generally, borderlines are codependent and find another codependent to merge with and to help them. They seek someone to provide stability and to balance their changeable emotionality. Codependents and narcissists who act self-sufficient and control their feelings provide a perfect match.
These partners vicariously come alive through the melodrama provided by the borderline. The borderline may appear to be the more dependent underdog in the relationship, while his or her partner is the steady, needless and caretaking top dog, but in fact, both are codependent on each other. It can be hard for either of them to leave. They each exercise control in different ways. Codependents also yearn for love and fear abandonment. Codependents already have low self-esteem and poor boundaries, so they placate, accommodate, and apologize when attacked in order to maintain the emotional connection in the relationship.
They often become caretakers. They do so sometimes to the point of self-sacrifice or enabling. Giving in to their partner and giving them control does not make either of them feel safer, but the opposite. Borderlines need boundaries. Setting a boundary can sometimes snap them out of their delusional thinking.
Calling their bluff is also helpful. See my blog on manipulation. Both strategies require that codependents build their self-esteem, learn to be assertive, and derive outside emotional support. The relationship can improve when the partner takes steps to heal their codependency. See Codependency for Dummies. Like all personality disorders, BPD exists on a continuum, from mild to severe. It affects women more than men and about two percent of the U. BPD is usually diagnosed in young adulthood when there has been a pattern of impulsivity and instability in relationships, self-image, and emotions.
They may use alcohol, food, or drugs or other addiction to try to self-medicate their pain, but it only exacerbates it. To diagnose BPD, at least five of the following symptoms must be enduring and present in a variety of areas:. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Unstable and intense personal relationships, marked by alternating idealization and devaluation.
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But it's a complex experience. Confusing Symptoms. Codependency and BPD. Borderline personality disorder is characterized by instability of moods and patterns of behavior.
A person with borderline personality disorder is emotionally troubled, which causes social and interpersonal problems. The common features of borderline personality disorder include a fear of being rejected by loved ones and high susceptibility to negative criticism.
Relationships between a person with an addiction and the codependent are often self-destructive and will continue to be so without appropriate intervention. Treatment for codependence may require evidence-based interventions such as cognitive behavioral therapy CBT , motivational interviewing, and one-on-one and group therapy sessions. A holistic view of the individual and the family unit, including co-occurring issues such as addiction and mental illness, can help guide the treatment plan.
Tips for dealing with codependency during drug addiction can vary, so talk with a professional to determine the best course of action. Codependency may not be an official diagnosis, but it is a unique psychological construct that has a marked effect on the individual and the family dynamic.
It is essential to recognize the signs and symptoms of the condition, as well as the role it plays in fueling substance use disorders and dysfunctional family roles.
A codependent can help facilitate drug dependence in a partner or friend, and a person with a substance use disorder may serve as an enabler to a codependent. This cycle of codependency can be very difficult to stop without appropriate intervention and treatment. The codependency recovery process requires a specific approach based on relationship dynamics. Family First offers comprehensive evidence-based interventions for drug and alcohol dependence as well as behavioral health conditions.
Our family case management services help individuals and their families understand the importance of the family system in the recovery process.
Contact us to learn more about our services and family-focused care. Skip to main content. Search this website. What Is Codependent Personality Disorder? November 09, Is Codependency a Mental Illness?
The Symptoms of Codependency Being familiar with the signs of the condition is the first step in understanding codependency as an issue.
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