It was hard for me to be accountable or see the big picture. If you find yourself blaming others or yourself for everything, it can be hard to let go. But with more awareness and a daily practice of self-compassion, it is possible. No matter what, blaming yourself or others for situations keeps you unhappy because you feel like you have no control. A healthier alternative is to go beyond the blame by looking at your life and obstacles as an opportunity to take action.
When we move past blame, we are able to take responsibility and release the guilt attached to self-blame. Instead of saying "should," start saying "could. It gives you permission to feel more joy in the moment. Look at the Big Picture Every situation we experience is part of a bigger plan. When you can look at setbacks and opportunities for growth, life becomes easier and there is less pressure. Look at the blessing in each lesson. Instead of blaming yourself for a situation, look for the silver lining.
Ask yourself: what could this situation teach me? Trust Yourself Many folks blame themselves after the fact, most often because of regret or denial. This happens because we don't trust ourselves.
We make choices for the wrong reasons. But when you learn to trust yourself, you will have more confidence. At the beginning of their relationship, Ted doted on Maggie. He was charming and successful everything her father wasnt.
However, as their wedding approached, Teds true personality emerged. He was controlling, had to win every argument by making Maggie feel inadequate and embarrassed, and insisted that things be done his way. Ted could never admit his own mistakes and shortcomings. He blamed Maggie for things she couldnt control, accused her of things she didnt do, and shamed her into believing that she was the cause of their marital problems, his business failings, and even his insomnia.
Narcissists, like Ted, lack boundaries, which means they expect you to be an extension of them. They dont see you as a unique, worthwhile person.
And because narcissists lack boundaries, self-awareness, and the ability to acknowledge their faults, they love to blame others for their mistakes. So, its not surprising that after years of being married to a narcissist, Maggie internalized much of this blame and now, even after being divorced for six months, she criticizes herself for even the tiniest imperfection and she blames herself for everything that goes wrong.
As you can see from Maggies story, removing yourself from the people who project blame onto you, doesnt cure you of self-blame. So, how do you break free of this entrenched pattern? Self-compassion being kind to yourself — can help you break the cycle of self-blame.
Self-compassion can include affirming your feelings, prioritizing self-care, accepting your mistakes, or giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. The first element of self-compassion is to acknowledge that youre struggling perhaps feeling like a failure, feeling overwhelmed, or tired and recognize that everyone struggles; no one is perfect or has it all together. You can begin to be more self-compassionate by practicing the following exercises designed by self-compassion expert and psychologist Kristin Neff, Ph.
When you notice that youre being hard on yourself, take a few moments to write down exactly what your self-critical voice is saying. Next, try to respond to it in a positive and caring way, like something youd say to a friend. Heres an example of how Maggie can respond to her self-blame:. Self-critical voice: Youre so stupid. Why did you ask Ted to take Chloe to ballet class? You should have known hed blow up! Compassionate response: I know you wanted Chloe to be able to go to class; ballet means so much to her.
Its not your fault that Ted blew up. Imagine that you have a friend who loves you unconditionally, forgives you, understands your life experiences, and knows all your strengths and weaknesses including everything youve failed at, feel ashamed of, and dont like about yourself. Write a letter to yourself from this imaginary friend that focuses on the things you tend to judge yourself harshly about.
Neff suggests that you consider:. Be sure to reread your letter a few times and let the compassion and acceptance it contains sink in fully.
Physical touch is a powerful therapeutic tool. It releases oxytocin, the love hormone, which promotes feelings of calm, trust, safety, and connectedness; and it reduces the stress hormone cortisol thats released when were blamed or criticized by ourselves or others.
So, by giving yourself a hug or gentle neck massage, youre changing your bodys chemistry increasing oxytocin and decreasing cortisol. Its a simple yet effective way to comfort yourself.
Practicing self-compassion exercises regularly, such as the ones above, can help you break the self-blame cycle and restore your sense of worth! Trauma can impact your life in many ways. Sometimes, you may not be aware.
These are some of the possible effects it has on childhood and adulthood.
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